I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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