the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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