my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
