Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
