Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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