Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She told me I should be a condom model.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
