As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
