god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just found puke in my bra..
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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