I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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