and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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