So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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