Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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