He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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