so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
