I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
