so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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