My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
