im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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