she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
