Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
