After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
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My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after