he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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