soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
