The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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