fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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