dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
