I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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