Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
