At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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