I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
