Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
