toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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