At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
