Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
