i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
