Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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