I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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