Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him