I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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