Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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