You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
