I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
