one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
