My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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