dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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