I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize