I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
