sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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