you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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