3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
