You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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