70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
