Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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