He disabled his match.com account in front of me
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
