we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
