It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
